So as I've mentioned no communications is a two way street and it's sometimes not about what we say.
Sometimes more about how well we listen.
So in this video I just want to present you with some of the core skills that you just want to be getting
your head around.
And I'm going to welcome back Karl and the next clip we're going to have a coaching based discussion
where all I'm going to be utilizing and practicing are those skills.
You with me sort of covered most of them by now already.
I just want to know just help you to see the bigger picture of all of the main communication skills
we want to be building into our repertoire of interpersonal coaching resources.
All right within ourselves.
So what have we looked at so far.
We've looked at attending.
You get that one.
It's about really attending a person could you imagine.
All right give you another example of this.
Imagine if you were to attend a music festival or a margin if you were to attend some sort of event
say perhaps you're and you're into some sort of religion you perhaps might be part of a certain religion.
And what would happen when you go along to your local religious ceremonies or events perhaps a church
service or a worship service or something like as you go along and you attend when we attend we are
fully there were fully present where they are not just in mind but also in body where they are whole
heartedly and fully attendings all about turning up in the context of our day to day relationships in
exactly the same way.
All right.
Sometimes when our coaching clients experience being attended in a coaching context this can be such
a powerful experience for them especially if they've never experienced this depth of connection before
this can really spur them on to become better and so much more effective in their own relationships.
Remember coaching sometimes not just about what we say sometimes it's more about how we are for them.
People will model us at times if we give them and say a really good example.
Immediacy of already looked at.
We've looked at this as well.
It's about us just sometimes seeing what we see if a person is looking down at the ground you looking
down to the ground nurse said We're not asking questions.
We're just literally making statements.
You're looking down at the ground.
You're smiling.
Oh you've just flicked your hair.
What's that about.
We're just genuinely interested were responding to their posture the body movements.
If I start flickering Oh there's something going on with your eyes rhino was thought about or if a person
seems like perhaps getting a little bit restless or anxious or stressed.
Oh it seems like I've just triggered something in you right now.
What's this about.
And again I'm just coming from this place of natural intrigue.
All right.
We we're there to understand the person.
We're here to keep the channels of communication open.
We're here to remain connected.
And as long as we are coming from this place of intrigue where we're here to understand the person the
connection will remain intact.
All right.
And strong.
But if we are going to practice immediacy and if we are actually attending someone I've got to be actively
listening.
All right we cannot afford to have any agenda in our minds we can't have any bullet points or points
or ideas or stories that we really want to tell for the purpose of saying something.
We've got to be here to listen in here so we can respond more to what's being said to us than what we're
thinking about or what we're wanting to see you with me.
This is a difference between connection and disconnection granted we can be attending someone in body
but our remains could be a million miles away but we're too busy thinking right.
What's the best.
Next question I could ask right now.
What's the next best thing that I could say that's going to help them to see things definitely right
now.
And if we are focusing more on what's going on inside of our heads than what the person is actually
saying we're choosing this connection over connection.
All right.
It's a very simple idea but it's one that most people are guilty of doing.
All right.
Most days.
So remember self-awareness fast self management second social awareness third social management fourth.
Last but not least we've got to go in there fast friends being positive outcome focused.
No.
This is an interesting one.
All right.
Because many of her clients when it come to us for court shaming and this is the same pretty much regardless
of which of the helping modalities you you choose to to quit.
I know maybe the case you go on to become an alternative therapist.
You might want to build some courtroom processes into your overall offering.
You might want to be a counsellor.
You might want to be a teacher or or a bottom or a misuse or something like well who just coaches people
in the background.
And that's all fine.
All right.
But it's imperative that we remain positive outcome focused.
Why.
Because most people have this tendency of gravitating towards the negative or towards towards the worst
case scenario or catastrophes are the past all that kind of stuff.
As coaches it's imperative that we're always keeping our focus moving forward and moving forward.
And what do we want and what do we want and how do we see this working and what's the best possible
outcome here.
And what lessons can be learned from this so that we don't make the same mistake again moving forward.
Let's think about Bill Clinton's story from ages ago.
Remember Amy went for a walk through his city and a lady came up to him totally irate talking about
all these problems in society wide issues and then Bill Clinton said to her there are women on what
do you want.
And it caught off guard and she then had to think she was so busy focusing on what she didn't want.
She didn't take much time to think about what she actually did want and what's true in that story is
true for most people all of the time.
All right.
Do you know how well you will be received if you become the kind of person that can just simply master
the art of helping people shift their focus away from what they don't want and towards what they do.
All right.
Seriously see back at the start when I started coaching people I didn't have a process I didn't really
know what I was doing.
I am all I knew was as long as I can help people shift their focus then more that's a start.
So people would come in and in a first session I would like to be attending them I'd be using immediacy
I learned all this through study and counseling.
I'd be actively listening then asking good questions or questions that I was really interested in understanding
the answers to.
All right.
And then just simply listen I four times when people would say or in the past this happened to me and
that happened I'd give him a few minutes and let them dwell on it and then I would simply shift the
focus.
So I'm wondering if there is a lesson you can learn from that you could build into your future.
What would it be and just watch people's faces go oh oh I never thought about that.
I'm just I would usually just be inclined to focus and dwell on all these hard these hard tough things
that are hard going on in the past when we become part positive outcome focused and we generally contradict
much of modern society and look at the news.
When does the news ever focus on the positive outcomes that are happening in our society.
Never.
War doom and gloom.
This politicians doing this.
This passion has been murdered.
This person over here has committed an absolute horrendous act in crime.
Most people naturally focus on the negative.
This is kind of like how we're how we're bred and raised as a as a human race isn't it.
So when people like us come along who can just simply help our clients direct their focus away from
the negative and towards the positive.
We can be perceived as being absolutely fantastic and awesome and coach doesn't have to be much more
difficult than this.
I promise you.
All right.
Reflecting back.
Well am I guess what lesson I could learn from this terrible past experience is that I'm an over comer.
You know I can overcome challenges and issues when they come my way reflected.
So you're an over comer.
What does this mean about where you're right today in this life situation you're going through.
What does this mean you're overcoming you've overcome this thing in the past really and what does this
mean and we're just then reflecting back the positive things that they say all right.
It affirms them or validates them.
And when we reflect back the positive becomes Eddie wanker right when two more people come into agreement
powerful things happen right.
I generally find in life.
So of course it goes without saying we want to ask non directed questions.
What does this mean.
What might what might that mean for for what purpose would you want to do this.
And what will this thing give you.
We ask questions we don't want to direct and gay people into boxes.
I'll share with you a really cool questioning framework and if you believe it was time called the hierarchy
of ideas which involved is chunking up chunking down We chunk up to find the reason why people would
say and do the things they do for the purpose of understanding and then we chugged down to get into
the nitty gritty details of finding details the ins and outs of what people do when they're doing what
they do for a certain reason this will become apparent shortly but our questions won't be known directed.
We don't ever want to be books and people in appropriate silence.
All right.
You ever heard that song.
Think it was written in Keaton.
He said the U.S. at best when you see nothing at all what was true for Ronan Keating is also true for
us especially as life coaches.
Right.
Granted this course I'm doing a lot of the talking but I'm inviting you in between videos to take a
little bit of time to reflect.
This is how things must be.
You take an appropriate silence to reflect upon these ideas that I'm sharing with you.
Apply them to yourself.
Try them all and see if they fit how they might fare how they might serve you.
Moving forward as you're looking towards some positive focused outcomes all right.
And in the same way we want to be offering our clients appropriate silence.
I'll demonstrate this and the next demonstration with Karen.
Where I might ask her some non directed questions but just because Curran goes silent doesn't mean that
I have to fill the void era.
This is sometimes going back in in the early days of being a bit lonely of course.
I used to struggle with this one right when a client would go silent.
I would say oh my goodness this silence actually makes me feel more like court than McClane so I would
fill the gap by saying some stuff.
What I'm saying is silence can be one of the most powerful communication skills that we build into our
our tool box.
So these are the core skills is one thing looking at them all here.
On a practical educational level but then it's something else seeing them put into practice.
So in the next conversation is gonna be a coaching session of sorts.
Pretty undirected.
Again I'm going to attend Curran am I'm going to use the core skill of immediacy and then we're just
going to see where the conversation goes.
All right.
Once the conversation or the discussion with the session is over well then just unpack it and we'll
talk about how I've put these core skills into practice so that you can see how you can put them into
practice.
Also swap your phone is interesting and I'll see you again in the next clip.